from "Five One-Act Plays"

from MIDDLEMAN

Scene 5

Lights up with sounds of television mixed in with Mark and Robbie's voices shouting at each other. Joe is clearing off the table after a meal.

The front door slams and Lisa enters in her overcoat. The children are not played by actors, but the actors play and mime with two tracking spotlights which indicate where they are.

Mark's voice

It's mommy! It's mommy!

Robbie's voice

Hiya mommy!

We hear them rushing to her and she bends down to kiss them both.

Daddy said we could look at television.

Mark's voice

He made us some delicious spaghetti called carbonana.

Joe

Carbonara.

Lisa

Okay, it's time to get into your pyjamas. Go into your room and get undressed.

Joe helps her off with her coat.

How'd you get on?

Joe

Oh great, I enjoyed it, I made them a carbonara.

Lisa

It's the only thing you know how to cook.

Joe

I should do this more often, I'm quite domesticated really.

He takes her coat offstage, comes back.

How'd it go?

Lisa

Okay, I guess. I'll tell you about it when the the kids have gone to bed.

Joe

Make yourself something to eat in the kitchen and I'll get them into bed.

She goes offstage to the kitchen. He goes offstage to the kid's room.

Pause. Re-enter Joe with the kids.

Come on now, you both have to pee and brush your teeth.

Robbie's voice

Can't we finish looking at the program, daddy?

Joe

No, it's past your bedtime. To the bathroom, both of you.

Mark's voice

It's unfair!

Joe

The first thing you've got to learn about life is that it's unfair. You always get either more or less than you deserve. Now move it.

Sounds of toilet flushing and teeth brushing.

Joe watches the kids come onstage again and points toward their room. They come over and kiss him and he exits behind them

(from offstage) Okay, into your beds. No, you can't read, it's too late.

Lisa enters from the kitchen munching on a sandwich. Joe re-enters from the kids' room.

They want you to kiss them goodnight.

Lisa exits to children's room.

Children's voices (off)

G'night mommy. G'night.

Lisa (off)

Good night. Sweet dreams. Lights off now.

She comes back and sits down to her sandwich. After a moment.

Joe

So. How was it?

She puts down her sandwich.

Lisa (flatly)

It went well. The therapist's a nice woman, sort of large and motherly and reassuring. I didn't expect her to be like that.

Joe

What did you expect her to be like?

Lisa

I don't know. What's a sex counsellor supposed to look like?

Joe

No idea. What did you ask her about?

Lisa

My… my frigidity. She used the word. I never had. It's kind of difficult to think of yourself as frigid. I'd never thought of it in those terms. Had you?

Joe

Well, your lack of enthusiasm has been kind of noticeable. But frigidity means everybody, I thought it was just with me.

Lisa

So she said that there were an awful lot of women in my shoes. She said that surveys had shown that about ten percent of the women throughout the country had never had an orgasm. I said I'm part of the ten percent.

Joe

What?

Lisa

She said does your husband realize? I said I didn't know, I didn't think so. She said havn't you ever talked to him about it it? I said no.

Joe

Oh my God.

Lisa

So then she asked me if I had masturbated when I was a teenager. I told her no I hadn't. Then she asked me if my parents ever talked about sex to me or if they ever talked about it between themselves or with others. I said not to me nor to anyone else as far as I knew. It was always an unmentionable. So then she asked me about my relationship with you and I told her. I said my husband comes back and stays with the children and me on weekends, the rest of the time he lives with his mistress. I said that you came in nearly every evening to have dinner and put the children to bed. She said does he love you? I said he loves his children.

Pause

So then, I talked a lot more about you, about the kids, about the relationships I had had with other men before I knew you and how they always went too fast, and then she said there are two ways you can work on your problem. One is to undergo a full-fledged psychotherapy in which you'll go back over your contacts with your parents and your environment when you were very young until you find the place and the time when you started to cover over the sexual aspect. It may take a long time and it'll be tough because going back over past history is always tough, and in any case it won't itself solve the problem you have which is a simple one of the body. So she said the best thing was no psychotherapy for the moment, but that I should begin by learning how to masturbate like I should have done when I was fifteen. She said buy a vibrator and get your husband to help you on weekends. She said that I absolutely had to talk to you about all this, that it was surprising that we hadn't talked about it before. I said it became more and more difficult to talk about it as time went on. So she said that maybe the best way to talk about it was to go home and tell you exactly what I said to her and exactly what she said to me.

Pause.

So I came back here on the bus and when the bus stopped at the traffic lights, I saw there was a sex shop on the corner. So I got off at the next stop 'cos I said to myself that unless I go and buy the vibrator right now I'll never do it. There was a curtain across the doorway of the shop so that you couldn't see in. So I pushed aside the curtain and went inside. Along the counters there were about half a dozen men looking at porno magazines, not a single woman in there except for me. They all looked up at me when I came in, then they all lowered their eyes and went back to their pictures. They were ashamed to look at me, they were even more ashamed than I was. And suddenly I realized that I had no reason to be ashamed. They were dreaming and I was real. The owner came up and said what can I do for you madam? I said I'd like to buy a vibrator. So he took me to a shelf where there were a dozn different models, and I didn't know which one to choose. So he said do you want it ordinary or thermal? So I said what's the difference? He said well the ordinary model just vibrates and the thermal model heats and vibrates at the same time. I said the ordinary model will do to begin with. So he wrapped it up and I paid for it and started out. I looked at all the men casting sidelong glances at me as I walked out and I felt like a queen.

Pause.

Joe

Why didn't you tell me before?

Lisa

I couldn't.

Joe

Fifteen years of faking it. No wonder you lost interest.

Lisa

There was another reason.

Joe

What?

Lisa

I was afraid you'd think it was your fault.

Pause.

Joe

Well so it was, to a certain extent. If you lied to me, they were lies that I must have wanted to hear.

Lisa

I'm such a fool.

Joe

Come on, don't beat your breast. We're talking aren't we? It's the first time in years that we've been able to talk together. Where's your vibrator?

Lisa

Here.

Joe

Let's have a look.

She reaches in her bag and takes out a small box wrapped in brown paper. She hands it to Joe.

Nice plain brown wrapper.

He tears off the paper and pulls out the vibrator. It's a shoddy-looking object made of white plastic.

They both look first at it, then at each other.

I don't know about you, but I don't really feel in the mood.

Lisa

Me neither.

They both laugh. Joe throws it into the air and catches it.

Joe

We'll see how we feel on Saturday.

Lisa

You're off.

Joe

Yeah I have to. I said I'd be there, so I've got to keep my word. If I was supposed to be here tonight it would be the same thing.

Lisa

Okay, but your Saturday and Sunday is reserved for me, understand?

Joe

Help, help, rape.

Lisa

You're going to be put to work. And there's no escape.

Joe

I'll shut my eyes and think of England.

She gooses him in the rear with both hands.

Lisa

Kiss me quick you little skunk, then fuck off.

He bends down to her. She grabs his head and kisses him deeply. Joe is surprised at first, then relaxes and enjoys it.

Pause

Lisa (after letting go)

I do desire you and don't you forget it. Now get the hell out of here.

He leaves in his overcoat. Lisa has her back to the audience.

Blackout.